What are you avoiding today?

I catch myself avoiding things constantly.  So far this week, there is the call from an old friend that I never returned, the lengthy administrative tasks from work that I pushed to the bottom of my to-do list, and the clothes in my closet that need to be sorted. I use the word “catch” because we are often unaware that we are engaging in the act of avoidance. There are big things we avoid for obvious reasons, like an uncomfortable conversation with a loved one about their drinking problem, and there are smaller, less noticeable ones. 

The list of things I avoid is comprehensive, extensive, and endless. Almost as impressive is the creative list of strategies I have to avoid them: eating large amounts of chocolate, binge watching TV, going through the smaller tasks on my to-do list, scrolling through Instagram, checking Facebook… These avoidance behaviours are not inherently bad. I am a subscriber to the adage life is short so eat the chocolate cake. But I also believe that before you eat that cake, take a few seconds to check in what’s the motivation. And then, eat it mindfully so you can actually enjoy the experience of every bite. 

When I see the name of my friend in those red letters on the call list on my phone, I feel several things I don’t want to feel. Shame about being a bad friend. Sadness at the distance that settles in to adult friendships, especially when you live overseas. Stress at the thought of not having the time to get every thing done. Like any ordinary person, those are feelings I want to avoid experiencing, so instead of simply picking up the phone and returning the call, I turn on the TV and watch 3, or 7, episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race. 

What exactly is avoidance? 

Avoidance is a behaviour that we engage in to not have to experience an unpleasant feeling. Trauma and brain expert, Bessel Van Der Kolk, explains in his book The Body Keeps The Score, that feelings are a physical experience and that our bodily sensations inform us of our feelings (think: butterflies in stomach). Van Der Kolk adds that “the emotional brain has first dibs on interpreting incoming information”.  Simply speaking, we feel before we think. 

In The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life, Neuroscientist Joseph E. LeDoux compares two neural pathways in the brain; the low road and the high road. The low road, from the hypothalamus to the amygdala, is faster: sensory information comes in and goes straight to lower brain (read: reacting without thinking). In contrast, the high road takes longer: sensory information travels to the prefrontal cortex to be interpreted and evaluated. To illustrate that with a previous example, when I look at my phone and see my friend’s name in red, this visual information FIRST goes to my lower brain - cue shame and fear. I want to avoid those yucky feelings so I ignore the reminder, turn on Netflix and binge on. 

The combination of these two brain mechanisms (emotional brain’s first dibs and low  road’s speed) creates an advantage for avoidance. Avoidance is very effective and powerful in the short term. Your brain registers an unpleasant feeling and compels you to do something, anything to make that feeling go away.  The problem with avoidance is that you never get to see that things are not as bad as you imagine them to be. Or alternatively, you don’t get to see how much stronger you are then you think. The truth is, discomfort passes. No feeling is permanent. The goal should not be to avoid discomfort, pain, or sadness at any cost. Not just because it does not work (which it doesn’t) but because that is not in the end a fulfilling relationship with your self.

What can I do? 

My one goal in life was always to be happy but now, I believe, that the only goal worth aiming for is to be present - whether you are experiencing happiness or discomfort.  It is to build a relationship with your body, your feelings and your thoughts. Sadness, anxiety, fear, and all other uncomfortable emotions are powerful and necessary messages that we need to listen to and honour. But, as important, we need to give that sensory information the time to get through the high road so that we can interpret it with our full functions. 

Avoidance can be such an unconscious mechanism that we don’t even realise we’ve engaged in it. It takes regular self-reflection to increase your awareness. 

First, you have to think about the behaviours you use to avoid (watching TV, eating chocolate…). Then, when you find yourself engaging in them, you have to ask “what feeling am I trying to avoid?”. Sit with that feeling for a few minutes. Whether you still choose to engage in the behaviour is up to you – what matters most, at least at first, is that you are increasing your awareness of the avoidance behaviour. If you do not want to engage in the behaviour, you have some alternative options: write about the feeling, go for a walk, or talk about it with a trusted person. Remember to do these things mindfully. 

The discomfort happens. The discomfort passes. No feeling is permanent.